Finding happiness in between the Moments *slightly provocative smiles*

In between the conference calls, the grocery store lists and the laundry mountains, moments are graciously bestowing themselves upon me.  My lips twitch, slowly curving in an upward motion similar to the Grinch when he planned to steal Christmas. My face starts to turn upward, my cheeks immediately bloom like roses. I can hear my pulse. The  feeling of my heart beating in between the fabric of my mismatched socks through my toes. Thump. Thump. The warmth of your hand as it grazes my chin, pulling my lips to yours.  And in this moment, I am happy.

Forgetting about the cold ocean breeze on my naked ankles, the sea gulls loudly whispering “Kiss the Girl” as they swirl and sway in the air above us. Noticing nothing other than the sound of my pulse. THUMP. THUMP. And this is when it happens.

I realize, that opportunities are given to us for so many reasons. Putting labels and expectations on these opportunities while recognizing their presence only  inhibits their ability to fully work their magic within us.

With this newfound freedom of my wild inner ability to recognize that you my dear, will not have a label. Your offer of happiness in this moment, at this time, promising that nothing else matters, has been accepted. No expectations, no labels, no heartbreak.

Just you and I in this moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow.. just now here with you.

Slightly Provocative Smiles..

Advertisements

Raw nonsense.

 

Needing to get these feelings out and you are long gone.  I want to say I miss the person I thought you were. I often sit and fantasize about all of our dreams, our late night brainstorming sessions. Our talks of world domination and happiness. I remember all the mornings the sun would crest the horizon and our white board would be full of our crazy “Just might work” ideas. We were good together.

 

But that wasn’t you. I was so raw.. so bare and vulnerable. Yet you were so calculated, so aware of what you were doing. I would have done anything to make you happy, yet it was never enough.

 

I’m ok. I’ve come from the pit of despair that you so graciously prepared my reservation for hell. I’m ok. I’ve built myself back up. Moved to another state. However the same moon that you said brought out my talent, still shines.

 

Maybe what I am trying to say is.. as long as the moon is in the sky, you have a piece of my heart for all the things I thought we would be, and all the things we were. But never became.

Leaving a Narcissist..it is Possible to Heal

This article was a great read.. hitting closer and closer to home as I read through the list of common traits.. and I am left feeling empowered and validated in my reasoning for leaving.

Leaving a Narcissist

And in the end.. when all that is left is you and your thoughts.. know you made the right choice. That leaving meant you love yourself more than the abuse. That you love life more than his ways, and that you do not need him to breathe, to live, to function. And the control he had, making you think you needed him for those very primitive actions has faded. So go out baby girl.. be YOU. Be HAPPY. Because you know you deserve it.

The hardest part was thinking I made him that way. And his next relationship would be the fairy tale I thought we would have. And I was so wrong..  he will have a repeat of every relationship he’s ever had because there is no self recognition, only repeated behavior.. because as you know from being with him, he is God’s greatest gift. Now that the wool is off my eyes, and my heart and mind are clear.. He was the best thing to never happen to me.

Go on Mr. Psychopathic Narcissistic Spider.. spin your Web

There is a hole in the middle of this spider web.. BECAUSE I BROKE OUT! So stop trying to pull me, bait me, trick me, trap me. I fought each and every one of your silky lies, suffocating in your brilliant, perfectly  geometric web of meaningless words. I survived you. I can survive anything.

Welcome to…

20′ of UHaul behind me, 70 miles an hour, rolling through state after state..we did it. We finally committed to the biggest journey of our lives. This image, holds the majority of my heart. This brief, quiet moment screamed to me that I am doing the right thing. Relocating to the unknown. Leaving the conformity, leaving the comfort zone, leaving the past. Continuing together. And my heart has never been so full. I can not imagine a more beautiful picture than this one.

Fighting the anxiety overload from being outside of my norm, my son and I both are confident that we will make this be the best story yet, even with shaky knees.

I have never been happier in my life.

Welcome to Adulthood.

 

Torture Taught Me to Love Myself

I will not start this with a lie. I will not say I don’t think about you from time to time. I won’t say I don’t wonder if you’re better now than you were, even though I’ve heard you are worse. I won’t say I am over you. Unless, maybe I am.

It’s a difficult emotion to be stuck in. It’s not you, it is the “relationship”. It was the “relationship” that opened my eyes. Yes, you were involved in those conversations that went well into the next sunrise, but it was not your words. Yes, you were involved in the events that lead me on the right path, but it was not you that put me to the right path.

I despise that it was you. The “relationship” stirred the serotonin and created inner strength I was unfamiliar with, but accepted graciously. It pulsed my breaking heart, one pulse..I love you..two pulses.. I hate you.. three pulses..Come back. Confusion and self doubt were your specialty. Casting your love/hate narcissistic spells into my atmosphere that I inevitably absorbed. I was torn by the very fabrics of my soul into what seemed to be multiple people, because how could one person feel so many contrasting emotions? WAS I CRAZY? Yes, probably. But you.. you were something. Something entirely different, almost demonic yet tantalizing. You were the abomination of my relationship life. But, I wouldn’t change that experience for the world.

Because of your behavior, I learned to monitor my own. Because of your psychopathic, narcissistic self absorbed thought processes, I learned to think before I speak. Essentially, every horribly cruel and manipulative game you played with me, I want to thank you for. And I am sure the love of my life, once I meet him, will want to thank you too. You made me be aware of who I was. Initially not because I was worried about your actions and behavior, but my own, I almost believed you. I almost thought I was crazy. My family watched you try to convince me that I was crazy. But I thought I was in love, I didn’t listen.

The “relationship” was the most valuable personal learning experience I’ve ever went through, and I paid dearly. Months of non-closure, heart break, and confusion, SO MUCH CONFUSION. What did I do? Who was I? Was I really the person you convinced me I was? No, of course not.  “Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victim—that is, when the victim is no longer useful—they abandon the victim and move on to someone else.” (Snakes in Suits, 53) Once you moved on, I did my research. You, met not only every qualifier for a psychopath in a relationship (even once sending me the definition of a psychopath), but every horror story I read… was like a page out of our book. A book that I did not burn, but filed away. A “How Not to Get Trapped” again category I started, because of you.

I would not change any of the abuse, torture, emotional distress, even physical distress you caused me, because it taught me just how strong I truly was as a female. And once I figured that out.. the doors opened and I learned to not only admire who I was becoming, but I learned to love myself, faults and all.

So thank you. Thank you for being so damned crazy. You were the best thing to never happen to me.

Face to Face with Procrastination

Beautiful picture, right? It was raining cats and dogs 5 minutes prior to taking this photo. The water was colder than normal, as was the air’s temperature. But damn it, I was going to go swimming even if it meant death by lightning bolt (yes I played this scenario out in my head 50 times before putting my pinky toe in the water). You could not keep me from getting in the river. No way no how. Why?

Because I’m moving, in two weeks. And need to pack because I have not put one thing in one box. Not one. And it’s not an easy pack either.. I have an entire household, including my teenage son and my 5 (yes 5) animals, 6 if you include my albino gecko, that I need to get packed, moved, and situated by September 1st, OUT OF STATE. It’s not like I can simply fill my back seat multiple times and borrow someone’s truck because I am going a few blocks over. No, I am going 7 hours away.

So what did I do all weekend? I went swimming both days, Saturday and Sunday. That my friends, is procrastination if I’ve ever experienced it. I haven’t went swimming all summer. But low and behold, two weeks before I leave, what do I do? I spend the ENTIRE weekend doing everything except what I need to. Ugh.

It’s not as if I am not looking forward to it. Yes I am stressed, but relieved that the beach is only 4 minutes from my new humble abode, I am a water person. I look forward to skipping the Pennsylvania winter and settling for 40°F weather. Yes I am looking forward to being around intelligent people that know what a hard days work consists of. Yes I am looking forward to maybe meeting the love of my life.

But.. it’s work. And with work, for me, comes procrastination. I certainly could use a moving fairy or two. Even my teenage son is procrastinating. Like mother like son.

HELP!!!!

Oh, and much ❤