Finding yourself at 34

A third of the way into my existence in this place we call life, I found myself. Honesty can be brutal. I was for the first time, looking at who I was through other people’s eyes. I saw my mistakes, my intentional missteps, my personality and my intelligence. I saw that I was no longer a “girl” in the sense of the word relating to wisdom, but now a woman. Unsure if this was a normal “milestone” we all walk through in life, I consider myself lucky. There are so many individuals, lost or lying to themselves, about life or love or who they are. I know, I was one.

Each and every relationship flashed through my eyes, each argument, each resolution. And I found I was wavering in my own happiness, but hell bent on others. I would give my soul to see the person I thought I loved happy, only to receive what they wanted to give me in return, not what I needed. This stunned me. I had been putting my heart and soul last, giving what I thought someone else needed first, and leaving me in their dust. On this relationship merry-go-round for 20 years, it was time to step off and find myself.

I have always identified as a mother, as someone’s child, sister, aunt. Someone’s girlfriend, but never just, Kali. I felt it was time to finally work on me, let myself shine so bright the sun turned green with envy. I made a promise to myself that this would be my time, and it has been. Have I been lonely? No. Shocking as that may be, I have never been happier.

So onto the next challenge, the next chapter, the next Friday night in instead of out. I have the confidence of a God, the drive of a work horse, and the touch of a butterfly. When it’s time to identify as anything other than, Kali.. I’ll know. But until then, it’s me and my dogs times three.

Much Love ❤

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Love knows no bounds- a story of a girl and her best friend

Many, if not most people,  have had animals of all varieties at some point throughout our lives. I had several before this little girl. This is Layla, Lay-Lay, Bean, Get Your Ass Over Here, and we …

Source: Love knows no bounds- a story of a girl and her best friend

Love knows no bounds- a story of a girl and her best friend

Many, if not most people,  have had animals of all varieties at some point throughout our lives. I had several before this little girl. This is Layla, Lay-Lay, Bean, Get Your Ass Over Here, and we can’t forget about Who the hell shit on my floor? She answers to anything that comes out of my mouth, not because she knows she’s being called for, but she is already under my feet. I always looked at people that babied and favored their pets over their children, family, and friends oddly. They were odd to me. Until I watched this little girl being brought into this world. I was there for her first steps, when she opened her eyes for the first time, the first time her tail wagged.

Keep in mind, I’m a mother to two beautiful boys, 14 & 7, and have cherished each and every moment with them to the overbearingly fullest. But this was different. Bean won’t grow up and move out, Bean won’t talk back to me.. scratch that she does do that. The words I am looking for- She will be there, unconditionally, and will always have me in her thoughts (even when she poops on the floor, I guarantee it). Being a single mother, the only people in this world that I have given my unwavering love to have been my children. You mean to tell me she will love She knows momma has a migraine 💜me just as much if not more than I love her? This was news to me.

She knows when I am not feeling well, when my RA acts up, or when I’m already pissy because everyone at work sucks. The moment she hears my car in the drive, she’s there at the door, waiting ever so impatiently, for me to come through that threshold. Not because I may have brought her something home, or because she needs something from me, but because she missed me. That to me, is love.

Apparently, caring for my heart the way she does took a slight toll on her, as she has been sporting a gray beard since she was 1. She is now 3. And each and every morning, I lift the bed covers, see her lips stuck to her teeth from snoring, watch her grunt and roll on her back, and back to sleep she goes.

So in loving my dog the way I do, my best friend, I have to wonder.. is that what real love between humans is supposed feel like? If so… I may just need to get another dog.

Lint Rolling the dog hair off of my pants as I finish expressing this, I realize.. I have so much love to give. And that, just may be the biggest gift our experience together, could give me. This girl is, for better or worse, my partner https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/27030/posts/1068961266#comments 

Thank you Bean. You are my girl.

 

 

 

Mothering to the Extreme- I share your Anxiety

When her challenging, cancer-ridden mother suffers a psychotic break, Jane Demuth searches for the wherewithal to help the person who once demanded the most of her.

via This Is to Mother You: On Caring for a Toxic Parent in Her Greatest Time of Need — Longreads Blog

Nature’s got Curves..

Sometimes, the best shots are the ones you don’t realize you’ve captured until someone else points it out. This is one of the ones I almost didn’t catch, until someone said, “You did this with a Canon Rebel??” This is my weekly photo challenge Curve submission. My first one!!

Begonias in her hair

End of the work week, and things are winding down. Everyone around my office is smiling, shoulders are relaxed, and  conversations are flowing. It’s Friday. So in my elated moment of non-influenced happiness, the begonias lifting their petals to my chin, begging to accompany me to my office even if only for an hour prior to my departure. I know when I come in Monday, the petals having found their way to my desk, the H2O sustenance will have evaporated, and the beauty will have started to fade. Not fade as in disappear, but fade in the way that Marilyn Monroe’s beauty would have faded should she still grace this planet. All of this sits well with me. The left behind begonias still sitting on their stems firmly rooted in the ground will not miss these two, and if they would, they can deal. The hour of happiness this brings me just may be more important to me than the tears of the other begonias that will inevitably fall to the ground.

Enjoy your Friday. And remember, to feel.

-kalijo

Fallen stress petals

Life. In all it’s beauty, newly found treasures and the still unknown depths of this earth, one thing stands true. Life will go on. Stress and fallen petals will pop us and fall every day. My challenge is learning to deal, cope, reconnect with my inner peace that I discovered only a awhile ago. Capturing these moments, innocent life forms within this planet not affected by the day to day stressors we people do, that is my meditation, my yoga, my drug. Breathe, this too shall pass. There are so many paths that I can take here, I can yell, be pissy for no exact known reason, cry, run away.. but no. I will pick up my camera, and just go. Just go until the weeds are above my knees and the crickets dance off my toes. No roads, no human contact, just a field, and a flower.

So what happens when I can’t get to that happy place… well, today happens.