Leaving a Narcissist..it is Possible to Heal

This article was a great read.. hitting closer and closer to home as I read through the list of common traits.. and I am left feeling empowered and validated in my reasoning for leaving.

Leaving a Narcissist

And in the end.. when all that is left is you and your thoughts.. know you made the right choice. That leaving meant you love yourself more than the abuse. That you love life more than his ways, and that you do not need him to breathe, to live, to function. And the control he had, making you think you needed him for those very primitive actions has faded. So go out baby girl.. be YOU. Be HAPPY. Because you know you deserve it.

The hardest part was thinking I made him that way. And his next relationship would be the fairy tale I thought we would have. And I was so wrong..  he will have a repeat of every relationship he’s ever had because there is no self recognition, only repeated behavior.. because as you know from being with him, he is God’s greatest gift. Now that the wool is off my eyes, and my heart and mind are clear.. He was the best thing to never happen to me.

Finding yourself at 34

A third of the way into my existence in this place we call life, I found myself. Honesty can be brutal. I was for the first time, looking at who I was through other people’s eyes. I saw my mistakes, my intentional missteps, my personality and my intelligence. I saw that I was no longer a “girl” in the sense of the word relating to wisdom, but now a woman. Unsure if this was a normal “milestone” we all walk through in life, I consider myself lucky. There are so many individuals, lost or lying to themselves, about life or love or who they are. I know, I was one.

Each and every relationship flashed through my eyes, each argument, each resolution. And I found I was wavering in my own happiness, but hell bent on others. I would give my soul to see the person I thought I loved happy, only to receive what they wanted to give me in return, not what I needed. This stunned me. I had been putting my heart and soul last, giving what I thought someone else needed first, and leaving me in their dust. On this relationship merry-go-round for 20 years, it was time to step off and find myself.

I have always identified as a mother, as someone’s child, sister, aunt. Someone’s girlfriend, but never just, Kali. I felt it was time to finally work on me, let myself shine so bright the sun turned green with envy. I made a promise to myself that this would be my time, and it has been. Have I been lonely? No. Shocking as that may be, I have never been happier.

So onto the next challenge, the next chapter, the next Friday night in instead of out. I have the confidence of a God, the drive of a work horse, and the touch of a butterfly. When it’s time to identify as anything other than, Kali.. I’ll know. But until then, it’s me and my dogs times three.

Much Love ❤

But Mom.. it’s my life

I believe when this is uttered out of any child’s mouth, it’s regarding going to the park, going on a date, choosing to go to college, the amount of alcohol one consumes or in defense of sitting on the couch all day while the parents still pamper these CHILDREN.

But what happens when both mother and child are adults.. well then, you get me. I am the sum of every child being raised by a single mother stereotype. I love my mother. I love her so much, that I have put myself in a position that those words “I’m a grown woman mom, if I want to sleep in until noon on a Saturday after a long week of work, damn it I’m gonna” (did I mention I do not live with her??) are a thought EVERY Saturday. I have put myself in a position for so long, that reality in that woman’s brain has become warped and I do not know that the truth will ever be known. She’s SO good, sometimes I have to do a retake on my memory to make sure it didn’t happen just the way she has shared with the entire town.

Funny thing is, I’m the oldest of 4. And I am the only one that jumps everytime she needs anything. I am the only one willing to go through the nonsensical drama, sometimes multiple time because she doesn’t remember tormenting me two times before. All of my siblings joke at the fact that I am the one always “taking one for the team”.

My mother has bent over backwards for us, she made growing up without a father memorable. She out-did herself on so many occasions. Problem is, we (I) am reminded of EVERY SINGLE TIME. Not so much while growing up, but now that us kids are grown, I have to wonder if she forgets she already guilted me for that, on a few occasions.

I love my mom. She has been such an incredible parent. I just wish.. she’d let go alittle bit. Just enough so that I can take the chances that I know will make her proud. After all, I am her daughter.

Fallen stress petals

Life. In all it’s beauty, newly found treasures and the still unknown depths of this earth, one thing stands true. Life will go on. Stress and fallen petals will pop us and fall every day. My challenge is learning to deal, cope, reconnect with my inner peace that I discovered only a awhile ago. Capturing these moments, innocent life forms within this planet not affected by the day to day stressors we people do, that is my meditation, my yoga, my drug. Breathe, this too shall pass. There are so many paths that I can take here, I can yell, be pissy for no exact known reason, cry, run away.. but no. I will pick up my camera, and just go. Just go until the weeds are above my knees and the crickets dance off my toes. No roads, no human contact, just a field, and a flower.

So what happens when I can’t get to that happy place… well, today happens.