Raw nonsense.

 

Needing to get these feelings out and you are long gone.  I want to say I miss the person I thought you were. I often sit and fantasize about all of our dreams, our late night brainstorming sessions. Our talks of world domination and happiness. I remember all the mornings the sun would crest the horizon and our white board would be full of our crazy “Just might work” ideas. We were good together.

 

But that wasn’t you. I was so raw.. so bare and vulnerable. Yet you were so calculated, so aware of what you were doing. I would have done anything to make you happy, yet it was never enough.

 

I’m ok. I’ve come from the pit of despair that you so graciously prepared my reservation for hell. I’m ok. I’ve built myself back up. Moved to another state. However the same moon that you said brought out my talent, still shines.

 

Maybe what I am trying to say is.. as long as the moon is in the sky, you have a piece of my heart for all the things I thought we would be, and all the things we were. But never became.

Leaving a Narcissist..it is Possible to Heal

This article was a great read.. hitting closer and closer to home as I read through the list of common traits.. and I am left feeling empowered and validated in my reasoning for leaving.

Leaving a Narcissist

And in the end.. when all that is left is you and your thoughts.. know you made the right choice. That leaving meant you love yourself more than the abuse. That you love life more than his ways, and that you do not need him to breathe, to live, to function. And the control he had, making you think you needed him for those very primitive actions has faded. So go out baby girl.. be YOU. Be HAPPY. Because you know you deserve it.

The hardest part was thinking I made him that way. And his next relationship would be the fairy tale I thought we would have. And I was so wrong..  he will have a repeat of every relationship he’s ever had because there is no self recognition, only repeated behavior.. because as you know from being with him, he is God’s greatest gift. Now that the wool is off my eyes, and my heart and mind are clear.. He was the best thing to never happen to me.

Welcome to…

20′ of UHaul behind me, 70 miles an hour, rolling through state after state..we did it. We finally committed to the biggest journey of our lives. This image, holds the majority of my heart. This brief, quiet moment screamed to me that I am doing the right thing. Relocating to the unknown. Leaving the conformity, leaving the comfort zone, leaving the past. Continuing together. And my heart has never been so full. I can not imagine a more beautiful picture than this one.

Fighting the anxiety overload from being outside of my norm, my son and I both are confident that we will make this be the best story yet, even with shaky knees.

I have never been happier in my life.

Welcome to Adulthood.

 

Torture Taught Me to Love Myself

I will not start this with a lie. I will not say I don’t think about you from time to time. I won’t say I don’t wonder if you’re better now than you were, even though I’ve heard you are worse. I won’t say I am over you. Unless, maybe I am.

It’s a difficult emotion to be stuck in. It’s not you, it is the “relationship”. It was the “relationship” that opened my eyes. Yes, you were involved in those conversations that went well into the next sunrise, but it was not your words. Yes, you were involved in the events that lead me on the right path, but it was not you that put me to the right path.

I despise that it was you. The “relationship” stirred the serotonin and created inner strength I was unfamiliar with, but accepted graciously. It pulsed my breaking heart, one pulse..I love you..two pulses.. I hate you.. three pulses..Come back. Confusion and self doubt were your specialty. Casting your love/hate narcissistic spells into my atmosphere that I inevitably absorbed. I was torn by the very fabrics of my soul into what seemed to be multiple people, because how could one person feel so many contrasting emotions? WAS I CRAZY? Yes, probably. But you.. you were something. Something entirely different, almost demonic yet tantalizing. You were the abomination of my relationship life. But, I wouldn’t change that experience for the world.

Because of your behavior, I learned to monitor my own. Because of your psychopathic, narcissistic self absorbed thought processes, I learned to think before I speak. Essentially, every horribly cruel and manipulative game you played with me, I want to thank you for. And I am sure the love of my life, once I meet him, will want to thank you too. You made me be aware of who I was. Initially not because I was worried about your actions and behavior, but my own, I almost believed you. I almost thought I was crazy. My family watched you try to convince me that I was crazy. But I thought I was in love, I didn’t listen.

The “relationship” was the most valuable personal learning experience I’ve ever went through, and I paid dearly. Months of non-closure, heart break, and confusion, SO MUCH CONFUSION. What did I do? Who was I? Was I really the person you convinced me I was? No, of course not.  “Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victim—that is, when the victim is no longer useful—they abandon the victim and move on to someone else.” (Snakes in Suits, 53) Once you moved on, I did my research. You, met not only every qualifier for a psychopath in a relationship (even once sending me the definition of a psychopath), but every horror story I read… was like a page out of our book. A book that I did not burn, but filed away. A “How Not to Get Trapped” again category I started, because of you.

I would not change any of the abuse, torture, emotional distress, even physical distress you caused me, because it taught me just how strong I truly was as a female. And once I figured that out.. the doors opened and I learned to not only admire who I was becoming, but I learned to love myself, faults and all.

So thank you. Thank you for being so damned crazy. You were the best thing to never happen to me.

Living the Luxurious Life

The sun rose this morning as it always does, slightly to right of my bedroom window, peeking through the curtains at my sleepy eyes. I woke up in a soft, cushy bed with too many blankets and too many pillows. As I lay there, turning my alarm to silent, draped in 3 dogs that look to me for love and comfort, I thank my maker for this beautiful morning, I am alive for yet another day.

To some, this is a normal routine. Waking up, getting the first cup of coffee, turning the shower on and standing in the pelting water, dancing to the lyrics in my head. But to others, this is a life of Luxury. A life of luxury that they do not have. Too many pillows, too many blankets while someone, last night, slept in a back alley somewhere, under a flimsy piece of cardboard.

To some, this is remarkable as they did not open their eyes this morning. Instead they meet their maker and not the rising sun.

To me, this is luxury. For the simple fact I know how easily all of this can be taken away, I know how lucky I am to be alive today. I have a place to call my own, and I have the two things that make my world go ’round.. Love and Food.

For all of the others, that aren’t as lucky to live such a lavish life filled with puppy hair and too many pillows, my heart is with you.

Where one sees luxury, the other sees life. Where one sees life, the other sees luxury.

We are lucky enough to be able to put these emotions into words and share them with the world, be humble. Life, is a luxury.

 

via Daily Prompt: Luxury

Reflections- The Core of Who I Am

Everyday, at various times and locations, regardless of circumstance or surroundings, I have a moment. Sometimes it’s a profound moment of clarity, sometimes it’s the exact opposite leaving me giggling quietly to myself. Sometimes it happens when I am laying on my bed, on my back, wiggling my toes on my bed as my dog mimic’s me and I fall in love with her all over again. Sometimes it hits when I’m driving as fast as legally possible from work, putting as much distance between me and my stressor as possible, and the joke from an employee finally hits me, making me look like a mad woman as I laugh out loud, alone, in my car.

We all have these. Reflective thoughts, taking each and every moment for one more stroll through our minds before filing away. I just happen to cherish mine.

Life is crazy complicated with outside forces pulling us all apart in so many different directions. Remembering who you are, remembering to feel, occasionally need to be a conscious effort on our part when the risk is losing yourself in all of the chaos. Those very short, private moments we have to ourselves are the most valuable time any one person can have for their well being. Naturally family, work, friends, responsibilities are all components to our souls.. but so are we. Individually, alone, privately. I am the key to my health, happiness, and honor. No one can take that from me, I own this. I own me.

When you find yourself running to the restroom for a few moments of me time, or stepping out away from people for solitude, cherish that moment. Cherish the reflection that you will inevitably have, because after all, isn’t life a movie and those moments the edited scenes?

Much ❤

Finding yourself at 34

A third of the way into my existence in this place we call life, I found myself. Honesty can be brutal. I was for the first time, looking at who I was through other people’s eyes. I saw my mistakes, my intentional missteps, my personality and my intelligence. I saw that I was no longer a “girl” in the sense of the word relating to wisdom, but now a woman. Unsure if this was a normal “milestone” we all walk through in life, I consider myself lucky. There are so many individuals, lost or lying to themselves, about life or love or who they are. I know, I was one.

Each and every relationship flashed through my eyes, each argument, each resolution. And I found I was wavering in my own happiness, but hell bent on others. I would give my soul to see the person I thought I loved happy, only to receive what they wanted to give me in return, not what I needed. This stunned me. I had been putting my heart and soul last, giving what I thought someone else needed first, and leaving me in their dust. On this relationship merry-go-round for 20 years, it was time to step off and find myself.

I have always identified as a mother, as someone’s child, sister, aunt. Someone’s girlfriend, but never just, Kali. I felt it was time to finally work on me, let myself shine so bright the sun turned green with envy. I made a promise to myself that this would be my time, and it has been. Have I been lonely? No. Shocking as that may be, I have never been happier.

So onto the next challenge, the next chapter, the next Friday night in instead of out. I have the confidence of a God, the drive of a work horse, and the touch of a butterfly. When it’s time to identify as anything other than, Kali.. I’ll know. But until then, it’s me and my dogs times three.

Much Love ❤