Torture Taught Me to Love Myself

I will not start this with a lie. I will not say I don’t think about you from time to time. I won’t say I don’t wonder if you’re better now than you were, even though I’ve heard you are worse. I won’t say I am over you. Unless, maybe I am.

It’s a difficult emotion to be stuck in. It’s not you, it is the “relationship”. It was the “relationship” that opened my eyes. Yes, you were involved in those conversations that went well into the next sunrise, but it was not your words. Yes, you were involved in the events that lead me on the right path, but it was not you that put me to the right path.

I despise that it was you. The “relationship” stirred the serotonin and created inner strength I was unfamiliar with, but accepted graciously. It pulsed my breaking heart, one pulse..I love you..two pulses.. I hate you.. three pulses..Come back. Confusion and self doubt were your specialty. Casting your love/hate narcissistic spells into my atmosphere that I inevitably absorbed. I was torn by the very fabrics of my soul into what seemed to be multiple people, because how could one person feel so many contrasting emotions? WAS I CRAZY? Yes, probably. But you.. you were something. Something entirely different, almost demonic yet tantalizing. You were the abomination of my relationship life. But, I wouldn’t change that experience for the world.

Because of your behavior, I learned to monitor my own. Because of your psychopathic, narcissistic self absorbed thought processes, I learned to think before I speak. Essentially, every horribly cruel and manipulative game you played with me, I want to thank you for. And I am sure the love of my life, once I meet him, will want to thank you too. You made me be aware of who I was. Initially not because I was worried about your actions and behavior, but my own, I almost believed you. I almost thought I was crazy. My family watched you try to convince me that I was crazy. But I thought I was in love, I didn’t listen.

The “relationship” was the most valuable personal learning experience I’ve ever went through, and I paid dearly. Months of non-closure, heart break, and confusion, SO MUCH CONFUSION. What did I do? Who was I? Was I really the person you convinced me I was? No, of course not.  “Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victim—that is, when the victim is no longer useful—they abandon the victim and move on to someone else.” (Snakes in Suits, 53) Once you moved on, I did my research. You, met not only every qualifier for a psychopath in a relationship (even once sending me the definition of a psychopath), but every horror story I read… was like a page out of our book. A book that I did not burn, but filed away. A “How Not to Get Trapped” again category I started, because of you.

I would not change any of the abuse, torture, emotional distress, even physical distress you caused me, because it taught me just how strong I truly was as a female. And once I figured that out.. the doors opened and I learned to not only admire who I was becoming, but I learned to love myself, faults and all.

So thank you. Thank you for being so damned crazy. You were the best thing to never happen to me.